God gave us mouths that close, and ears that don’t. That must tell us something…” – Anonymous
`Listening’ is fast becoming a lost art in our country. The ability to effectively interact with others by truly listening to what they are saying is atrophying like an unused muscle, because any story other than our own seems off-topic and irrelevant.
What others think, or feel or have to say simply doesn’t matter any more. Self-absorption, entitlement and Me-ism have become so deeply ingrained in our American culture that we only feel good when we’re talking about ourselves.
Now, while this cacophony of self-obsessed monologues are all very well for the soothing and nurturing of our gigantic American egos, they aren’t a whole lot of help when we have to live in a community – and therefore, communicate with others all the time and every single day. Conversation, after all, is a two-way street, and by hogging both lanes with our own self-stories, we’re blocking the smooth flow of valuable input and information that ought to be coming from the other person.
And not even just that. We’re losing precious opportunities to get to know people, have them like us, and want to do business or have personal relationships with us. Refusal to listen sends out `not-interested’ signals, and no human being likes being disdained or undercut like that.
As a compulsive talker with ADD issues, I confess that I am not the best example of what I am preaching here. Far from it. But being aware of the value of listening has certainly made me more vigilant about the matter. When I go to networking events, for example, I notice when people talk 20 straight minutes about themselves without once asking me anything about myself. At home, I try to be fully attentive in conversations with my wife and children without fobbing them off like I used to with distracted, non-committal replies while I check messages on my phone. In office, I encourage my staff to talk to me about things other than work, because I really want to know about the joys and challenges that motivate and dissipate them.
By listening, I find I make less mistakes in judging people and situations. By listening, I don’t jump to half-baked conclusions that prove erroneous or disastrous later. By listening, I pick up a wealth of information from voice tonality, body language etc. that helps me fully comprehend the other party’s point of view.
In our distracted, ego-led, modern society, where conversation is often a tug-of-war between two people who want to grab and hold center-stage, I find I always have the psychological upper hand in any tough negotiation when I step out of the spotlight, shut up, and actually listen.
Three enlightening passages from Solomon’s Book Of Proverbs come to mind, and I would like to share them here to illustrate the point I made above.
One of the Wisdom Books of Hebrew scripture, the Book of Proverbs provides deep insights on how to live a productive life by honoring God as all-powerful, and garnering wisdom from this submission of self to the Supreme Being. The legendary Solomon, son of David, king of Israel and the wisest man to have ever lived, had chosen wisdom over wealth or power as a gift granted by God, and in the nuggets of wise words contained in his 3,000 or so proverbs, I find a complete tip sheet for inspired living that is as applicable today as it was during 10th Century BC.
“The way of fools seems right to them, but the wise listen to advice.” – Proverbs 12:15 NIV
Fools don’t listen. They don’t have to because in their foolishness, they believe they are always right. As a consequence, they rush willy-nilly into personal events and professional decisions with no knowledge, insight or advise – the kind of things you often pick up by just being fully present during people-to-people interactions, and listening empathetically and mindfully to what others are saying.
“Fools show their annoyance at once, but the prudent overlook an insult.” – Proverbs 12:16 NIV
When conversation is inspired by the ego, then any perceived affront to that grand notion of self can result in negative knee-jerk reactions like annoyance, anger or desire for revenge. Alas, perception of an affront is often born from misjudging the other person’s point-of-view, and because we are not listening, we’re letting our egos draw hasty conclusions that may or may not be true. If only we step back and allow others to finish their thoughts, we give ourselves more time and more data to base our actions on, and respond with more caution than emotion.
“The words of the reckless pierce like swords, but the tongue of the wise brings healing.” – Proverbs 12:18 NIV
Words are a powerful tool. Chosen well, they can calm tempers and heal and resolve an altercation. Chosen recklessly, however, they can quickly spiral a situation out of your control and make you patsy instead of player.
Again, the root cause of the disagreement is our unwillingness to listen. Only by listening can we have the `extra’ information that is outside our own narrow, self-serving viewpoints, and we can then use that information to make the best and most informed choices for the highest good.
My advise to anybody who wants to improve their listening skills is to start practicing at home. Because we take our family’s presence and support so much for granted, we’re most guilty of not listening when we are in conversation with them. And by seeing the transformation that can happen to relationships on the home front, we can feel inspired to listen more when we are out in the world, knowing how deeply this one change can affect our friends, colleagues, employees, bosses and clients.
My mind has been pretty occupied by this lately, as I know I have discounted my wife Stacy’s concerns and chosen not to listen to her on certain issues because I felt I was in the right. That assumption, of course, was born of not listening to Stacy’s side of the story and assuming she’s going to go along with whatever I decide because we are bound by family ties.
Massive disrespect there, however unintended my actions may have been. In these past few weeks, there has been a sea of change in my relationship with my wife because I am doing my best to be mindful and present in our conversations, and actually listen to her. As a result, I am learning about her thoughts, emotions and feelings on certain subjects that I had no idea about in the past.
In turn, Stacy is happier than I have seen her in a long time because she can sense my complete participation, attention and affection when we’re communicating verbally. By listening, I am being able to take her contributions on board before making decisions that affect our family as a whole, and we’re now a lot less confrontational in how we’re showing up for each other.
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