Recently, I found myself crying my eyes out.
It is weird to imagine a 6 ft 7 inch, fully-matured adult bawling like a baby, I know, but I have to confess that this private session between me and my innermost self was a pretty cathartic experience.
For some time now, I have been feeling the presence of a shadow looming dark and large in the back of my heart, but I didn’t dare confront that feeling because I knew what it was.
Guilt.
Facing up to that guilt would require self-forgiveness, and I wasn’t at all sure that I had any forgiveness left in reserve for my own self. Like most human beings, I secretly believed that I did not deserve it.
Guilt + Forgiveness = Repeat.
The above equation, in my opinion, is the biggest challenge of a sentient, human existence. The vicious circle of all vicious circles. Resolving guilt and forgiving oneself – only to have to go and repeat it again. Repeat offenders are not forgiven in the court of law and neither do they get a clean slate in the judgement of their own hearts.
And so, we end up carrying a massive burden of unresolved guilt within us, which becomes the biggest stumbling block when we’re trying to be the best version of ourselves.
I was caught in the throes of just such a cycle. I couldn’t forgive myself because of a subconscious fear that I would repeat the same mistake and therefore deserved no lenience.
As a man who has chosen to live in gratefulness and grace, this burden wasn’t something I could lock away in some deep, secret recess of my mind and carry on with life. It’s darkness was robbing me of my light, and I had to unload the guilt – even if it was a temporary relief – to get back on the path of joyful living that I believe the Lord has charted for me.
And so, I granted myself a mental time-out to sort through all of it. Too many ideas of guilt are stuck in our recesses because of an outside influence that told us something negative long back in the past. For me, it was my father’s partner, who had summarily declared that I would add up to nothing when I was in my early-20s.
I was working on a project for my father’s company and this gentleman was my boss. The project did not inspire me, did not motivate me, and fired up by the arrogance of youth, I refused to apply myself to it. My boss used this recalcitrant behavior as a snapshot of the rest of my life, and told me I was a good-for-nothing. No matter what I did, I would always end up as a failure.
Harsh words.
The sort of words that remain in the back of your mind, and re-surface during times of crisis to echo its disempowering message. And this was at the root of my disconnect with my own self.
I have taken some life decisions, you see, that are not the norm. They are not safe, not guaranteed and they’re not designed to please or assure the people who are closest to me. But they’re born from my deep-held beliefs about the role I came to play in this world, and I am committed to them.
The role I am talking about is mentorship. Helping others succeed in their personal development journey without looking for remuneration. This role takes up a lot of my time that others believe should be devoted in more profitable goals.
The gains in the life of a mentor is deeply personal and cannot be defended or validated with words. But not living up to the fullest expectations of people you love has a cumulative impact on your self-confidence even when you know you’re on the right path. And the guilt that manifests from it is a hard load to carry.
I was feeling the same way.
I could feel guilt piling up inside my heart, and those haunting words from my ex-boss returned – inevitably — to make me doubt myself. I couldn’t help wondering if the gentleman was right, and I would indeed fail in this important mission.
My communications with my Lord increased at this time. I needed His support more than ever to illuminate my next steps forward. I trusted His divine guidance would resolve the crisis of guilt and I would be able to forgive myself, wipe the slate clean and return joyfully to the work He has chosen for me to do.
The emotional breakdown and the tears washed away all my self-doubt. And in that clarity, I saw myself as a fallible human who will probably repeat the same mistakes, be assailed by the same guilt and find self-forgiveness again.
But I will dare to forgive myself. Over and over again.
Nobody’s keeping scores and it does not matter how many times you repeat the same mistakes. Have the awareness to rectify yourself and carry on. Because at the end of the day, it is the final destination that will justify your faith. Not the number of times you stumbled and fell on the way to get there.
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